“When you're going through hell, keep going.”
It is very important to start this note with the following: I have an excellent therapist. I am healthy, both in my body and mind. And I have a small circle of really good friends who are there for me.
As I worked tirelessly to secure a new permit, find an apartment, and get divorced, I repeated this Churchill quote to myself constantly for months, just over and over: "When you're going through hell, keep going... keep going... keep going. Fucking keep going." I added that last part, though.
Because tending to a broken heart while dealing with an abusive man who had once been my best friend, my partner in every adventure, the person I loved most in the world, was absolute hell. After over ten years together, he literally changed his mind about our marriage overnight, like flicking a switch, and he became someone who was determined to break me, destroy me, kill my spirit, and make me question my own sanity. And he nearly succeeded. There were moments when I truly didn’t think I would survive what he was doing to me.
The words, the actions, the deliberate cruelty, what happened was unthinkable. The person I knew disappeared, and what took his place was manipulation, mental and verbal abuse, and a disturbing obsession with tearing me down. He became so invested in name calling it seemed like a new hobby. The thing about people like this is that they know you so well, they know exactly what to say and do to break you. He knew how to make me feel like I was nothing. And not only did he make me feel like I was nothing, he told me I was nothing. He also told me I was worthless, stupid, dumb, and slow minded, he said that it was a good thing we didn’t get pregnant because I would have been a bad mother. So basically, just imagine the worst things a person could say. It was that, plus more. A lot more. I lost 15 pounds in one month from stress. I stopped sleeping. I was constantly on high alert because I never knew what he was going to do next.
To make it worse, my Dutch family, who claimed to love me for ten years, they disappeared. Instantly. I was told I was an embarrassment to them, that they didn’t want me. And I never heard from them again, not even to say goodbye or to check in on me. That silence was so incredibly harsh.
So after months of constant struggle and being on the receiving end of constant abuse and neglect, just as I am finally managing to reclaim my life, my permit has come through, housing is coming together, my mental state is stronger, I am cooking again, I am eating well, I feel healthier, this is the moment when he tries to convince me that none of it ever happened.
He tells me he never wanted a divorce. That he never said or did any of those horrible things. He starts calling me by my old nickname again. I suddenly receive a birthday card from his mother in the mail. He invites me to family events as if everything is fine. Then he stands there, baffled, staring at all my belongings packed in boxes, unable to understand why I am moving out. He says he does not want to sign the divorce papers. He says he wants to stay together. He says he wants to have a baby. He wants to do all the things we had once planned. He says I am ruining our marriage because I am leaving.
And through all of this, I cannot cry. Because if he sees me cry, he mocks me in the cruelest and most demeaning way imaginable. So I hold it in. I stay silent and just keep going with the plans I made for myself. I never even considered staying, because you cannot do what he did and still keep your marriage. He says I moved on too quickly, but when your husband looks you in the eye and tells you that dating you was an "experiment" and that he will be fine after he gets rid of you because he will just hire a maid to come clean once a week, then you move on pretty fucking quickly.
People ask me, “Did you know? Did you know he was going to do this? Weren’t there any signs?” The only thing I can think of is that he suddenly started walking ahead of me instead of next to me, and he would get frustrated with me because we didn’t walk at the same pace. He told me that I slowed him down. This hadn’t been an issue for ten years, and suddenly it was an issue.
And people have all these theories, “Oh, he must have been cheating on you. Oh, he is just having a midlife crisis. Maybe it’s because you are a spanko... blah blah blah.” I don't care to know why he did what he did. I know I'll never understand it, and honestly, I don't want to. It is a waste of my time and energy. My only concern is for myself and my happiness.
People ask me if I am lonely. No, I am not. I am not the type to ever get lonely. It is just not how I am. I love myself, I love being with myself, I love being alone. I lived alone for ten years prior to my marriage, and I loved it. People ask me if I am sad. No, I am not. I was, for a few weeks at the beginning. I was really fucking sad. Because my person was gone, and the two people I wanted to call and talk to the most had unfortunately died the year before. And the sadness didn't disappear overnight, but I continued to do all the things in the world that I loved, and it got a little less and less every day. Then one day, it was just gone. And all the love I had given to my husband and his family for all those years, I gave to myself instead, and that was very healing.
And I love my new apartment, my spanking sessions, my work. I love this city that I call home, the quiet moments in my space, and the freedom I’ve reclaimed.
So I just wanted to say to anyone reading this: if you are going through a hard time, if you find yourself in hell, I hope you keep going too. There will be peace again. And there will be love. You just have to keep going.
– Gin
